To End and To Begin
by Lady-Hermione23
Summary: New story, nothing to do with the others! Title might change, not sure yet. Set four years after seventh year. Please read and review!


All characters depicted here belong to JK Rowling. I own nothing but the pleasure of writing this particular story.

A Part of the Past

Dear Sirius,

It's Christmas now. I'm sitting at a table in the Gryffindor common room, pretending to be doing my homework so Hermione, Ron and Ginny won't ask me questions. It has been six months since you went through the veil. Six months. Lord Voldemort is taking over, gaining followers, either by intimidation and force or by their own free will. I'm sure you know about that, as it's the same as it was before. So Remus tells me.

I feel lost, Sirius. I don't know what to do. Professor Dumbledore tells me that in order for me to survive, no, for the whole wizarding world to survive, I must kill Voldemort. And if he kills me first, then Voldemort remains forever.

I'm sixteen, Sirius. How am I supposed to go up against the most powerful Dark Wizard in the history of magic? What chance do I have? If he attacks Hogwarts tomorrow, what can I possibly do?

I know you don't want me to think about this, but I think I will be seeing you soon. You and Mum and Dad. It will be nice to get to know them finally. And to get to know you better. 

I am afraid, Sirius. I've been afraid before, but never like this. I almost want to run away and hide and never come out but I can't do that. I couldn't live with myself if I did that. I told Remus how I felt and he just smiled and said that he'd come into hiding with me if I wanted. He doesn't judge me, Sirius, just offers support. I understand now why he was yours and my dad's best friend. He truly is an amazing person. I hope my dad would have been like him, just calm and supportive. I think he would have been.

He's back, you know. Remus, that is. Teaching at Hogwarts. We're learning more than ever about how to defend ourselves, but he says that he can't help me in my battle against Voldemort. He says that it is something I have to figure out for myself. I know he's right, but I don't want to think about it. It made me angry at first, but I have accepted it.

I won't talk about that anymore. I'm not writing this to tell you about the war.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, really. You won't ever see it. But so far it has made me feel a little better so I'm going to continue to write it. Remus suggested I try this. He said he has written several letters to you, one that was very angry.

This is hard, Sirius. It's easier now, but at first it was like having a constant ache in my chest. And then came the empty feeling. I felt…drained.

Remus helped me. I went to stay with him during the summer at Headquarters and he told me stories about all of you at Hogwarts. I wish I had known you then. The things the four of you did!

It really is easier now though. I'm able to sit and talk with Ron and Hermione now, without having to leave because I feel the need to be alone. I can see them watching me sometimes, afraid that I might burst into flames or something. It was tempting at first but I won't do it until after Voldemort is dead.

Ginny tells me that what I feel is normal. She doesn't really know, of course, because I will never tell her what I actually feel.

I feel so angry, Sirius. And I feel hatred. I have more hate in my blood now than I ever have before. Sometimes it's hard to breathe because the hate will boil up and get stuck in my throat. It's times like those when I can feel a sort of dark power pulsating through me.

It's times like those where I really feel I can commit the murder I must commit.

But at first…

At first, I would start to think that I might actually make it through…that I might be okay and then something would come along that would remind me forcefully of you and it would be like getting punched in the stomach. Two weeks after holidays started, I was out for a walk and a large black dog crossed my path. I knew it wasn't you; it was too small to be you, but my heart leapt and I thought for sure that you'd come back. Only it wasn't you.

When I got back to Hogwarts, it was strange. People were subdued, of course, but then classes started and Quidditch started and now people are back to normal.

Quidditch. I was made Captain of the Gryffindor team, but I had to leave my very first practice. It was because of you. Or rather, because of the broom you gave me. The Firebolt. I hadn't thought about it before then and then I went out to the pitch and I was about to climb on it when it hit me. Again, like a punch in the stomach. You gave me that broom. How could I use it, knowing that it was the first and the last thing you had ever given me? What if I fell off again? What if it got destroyed by the Whomping Willow? I could never replace it.

Ginny and Ron ran that first practice and I came out to the pitch after and just sat there, staring at my broom. I tried to make myself get on it, but I just couldn't. I admit that that was probably my lowest point.

And then Remus came up behind me and sat down on the pitch beside me.

'What's wrong, Harry?' he asked me.

'Sirius gave that broom to me,' I answered. 'I don't think I can ever fly it again.'

He didn't say anything to that, just sat there with me. After a while he turned to me.

'Sirius would want you to fly, Harry. He would want you to be happy and I know that, more than anything, Quidditch makes you happy. He bought you that broom as a gift. Don't let it go to waste. The broom is just an object. It does no good to leave it sitting in a closet. Don't think of it as the last thing he gave you. Remember, instead, that he did give it to you. Remember that it came from the heart. He wanted you to use it.' Then he laughed. 'He wanted you to play for England on it.'

I couldn't help but smile at that, Sirius. And I have to admit that I told Remus I would give it a shot. So I mounted the broom and I flew. And being in the air again…it gave me a sense of…peace. I could forget, just for a while, that I am marked for death. That I'd lost you. 

Hermione is coming over. I think she knows I'm not doing homework. Of all my friends, she is the most concerned. She is constantly checking on me, making sure I'm alright; making sure my homework is up to date. You know Hermione. Must keep the grades up, regardless of the fact that I could die any day.

I guess I'll end this then. I do feel a little better for having written it. I still miss you and I still wish you were here, but now I understand.

And I will know that when I join the Order of the Phoenix that there are some things worth dying for.

______________________________________________________________________

The crumpled bit of parchment fell out of Harry's charred and blackened text book. He wasn't sure what class it had been for, as the cover was completely gone. He picked up the parchment, wondering what it could be. Smoothing it out, he recognised it as the letter he'd written to Sirius several years before. The very first one.

"Look, Ginny," he said quietly, holding it out for her. "Look at what I found."

His wife picked her way toward him slowly and took the parchment carefully, her eyes skimming it. She smiled at him sadly.

"I can't believe it survived the fire," she whispered softly, handing it back to him.

Harry nodded, carefully folding the parchment and slipping it into his pocket. They looked around the charred remains of number 4 Privet Drive.

How he had hated this place. It had held nothing but bad memories, but now…now he hated being there for the reason he was. To clear it out. To say goodbye to the only home he had ever really known.

To say goodbye to the Dursley's.

As much as they had mutually disliked each other, they'd still been family.

But it was all different now. The Dursley's were missing. They didn't know if they were dead or not, for no bodies had been recovered, but Harry couldn't see them hiding for so long.

Even Mad Eye Moody had come through the Muggle house. With his magical eye, he would have been able to see them if they had been murdered and covered with an Invisibility Cloak, but there was no sign of them. They'd simply…vanished.

That's how it was now. A lot of people he knew were gone.

Dumbledore. Hagrid. Percy. Dennis Creevey. Hannah Abbot. Luna Lovegood. Padma Patil. Professors Snape and Flitwick. Draco Malfoy. A score of others.

It made him ache to think of all of the people who had died because of him.

"Stop it right now, Harry." Ginny's soft voice, as well as the hand on his elbow, made him jump. He turned to her.

"Stop what?"

"Blaming yourself. He's dead. We didn't know that Lucius would be so ready to take over. We didn't know that Lucius would continue to come after you."

"Why didn't we? We knew that he would want to prove himself to be better than Voldemort, and that means killing me. And anybody associated with me."

"We've had this conversation, Harry," Ginny said, her voice growing hard. "I'm not going into hiding. Bryan and I are fine."

Harry smiled, letting his hand rest on Ginny's pregnant belly.

"You're so certain he is a Bryan," he said fondly, briefly forgetting the troubles. He smiled as the baby kicked lightly against his hand.

Ginny grinned at him. Harry felt the familiar jolt in his stomach that he always felt when his beautiful wife smiled. He smiled back.

"Look at my family, Harry. Is there any doubt that he is a boy?"  
Harry couldn't help but laugh.

"Sure, there is always that fifty-fifty chance that it's a girl."

"Then we'll name her Brianna. But it _is_ a boy. Trust me, Potter."

Harry laughed again and then turned his attention back to the unpleasant task of shifting through the rubble that was once the Dursley's home.

There was little to salvage. Most of his school books were nothing but ash. He was very happy that he had taken most of his belongings to Grimmauld Place. All that had remained at Privet Drive were his school books and his school trunk. None of the clothes inside it had fit him for a while, so the loss of his possessions was nothing.

The loss of his family…well, he'd dealt with losing family before.

"There's nothing here, Harry," Ginny finally said, groaning as she climbed to her feet. "No sort of clues. There's nothing salvageable. Malfoy destroyed everything."

Harry grit his teeth, accepting the truth. He knew that the Dursley's were probably dead. They hadn't stood a chance against Malfoy and the remaining Death Eaters, after all. Being Muggles, Malfoy would have taken great pleasure in their torture and subsequent murder.

Just as they had come to a mutual respect of one another. Just as Harry had thought they might actually have a chance to become family…it had all been ripped away.

"Come on," Ginny said, bringing him out of his reverie. "We told Ron that we'd meet up with him and the twins in Diagon Alley. You know that I can't Apparate that far, so I'll need to stop somewhere along the way."

Harry nodded and dusted his hands off on his robes.

"Do you want me to help you?" he asked. Ginny shook her head, washing her hands in the still-working sink.

"I can do it, you prat. I'm not a baby." She grinned. "I'm just having one."

Harry shook his head. Even with all the devastation, the loss, he was happy. Truly happy for the very first time in his life. The war with Voldemort was over. It really was only a matter of time before the war with Lucius Malfoy was too.

*

"It's about time," Ron said grumpily, leaning across the table to push Andrew's plate back toward the centre of his tray. "I had to feed these two, they were about to eat the table. Actually, Andrew tried."

Harry and Ginny both laughed.

"The place was worse than we thought it would be," Harry answered, smiling at Ron's twin sons as he pulled out a chair for Ginny.

"H'lo, Unca Harry," Aaron said cheerfully, standing up in his high chair.

"Sit down," Ron said firmly. "Finish your lunch."

Aaron didn't listen to his father; instead he stepped from his chair to Harry's and plunked himself down in Harry's lap. Harry grinned at Ron.

"It's alright, Ron. He can stay."

Ron narrowed his eyes in exasperation at Harry.

"You are not helping, Potter." He glared at the high chair. "Those things need something stronger than seatbelts. That one is too smart for his own good. This one only cares so long as he's got food in front of him." He nodded in Andrew's direction as he said this.

"Well, really, they've got you for a father, so they didn't have a chance when it came to eating. And they don't listen to you anyway," Ginny pointed out casually, flipping through her menu.

"They do when Harry isn't around."

Harry grinned as he leaned over to pull Aaron's plate over so it was in front of the boy. Ginny let out a groan to his right, causing both men to look up in concern. She smiled, though her face was contorted.

"I'm okay. Bryan just decided to use my organs as a football." She winced again. "I think I had better find a ladies room."

She was on her feet before either Ron or Harry could move to give her a hand. Harry watched as she slowly shuffled away.

"I'm sorry I couldn't come and help you, mate," Ron said quietly, again leaning over to fix Andrew's plate. Andrew grinned a gap-toothed grin at Harry before continuing to ravage his lunch.

"No problem," Harry said easily, his thumbs absently rubbing Aaron's tiny back. "It wouldn't have been too safe for these guys there anyway."  
"I know. If Hermione hadn't had to work-"

"It's okay, Ron, really. There was nothing to find."

Ron shook his head. "I didn't figure there would be. Malfoy's smarter than he lets on."

Harry nodded, glancing up as the waiter brought two glasses of ice water. 

"I did find this," he said, pulling the letter to Sirius out his pocket. He handed it to Ron. "I wrote it…five years ago now. Well, I'm sure you could have figured that out."

Ron took the letter and started to read it. Harry looked up and noticed Ginny making her way back to them and watched her progress. She just seemed to have this inner light now. To Harry, there was nobody who compared in beauty.

"So when do you start?" 

Harry looked round at Ron. "Pardon?"  
Ron grinned as he handed the letter back. "I asked when you start?"

"Remus wants me there for the last week of August." He took a sip of his water. "He wants to go over the schedules and the material with me. He knows that I know what I'm doing, but he just wants to be sure. He figures I might have been hit with too many Bludgers, I think."

"Well, I still think getting out of the Aurors was the best thing you could have done," Ginny announced, lowering herself into her chair. "But getting out of Quidditch isn't a bad idea either. I still don't understand why anybody would go into being an Auror though. It's practically slave labour. The damned house elves get treated better."

"Dad is trying to fix it," Ron reminded her, annoyed. "He's meeting with resistance after the war. People figure that with Voldemort gone, the threat is gone. But people are stupid. They don't realise just how evil Lucius Malfoy truly is. The man killed his own _son_, for heavens sake."

"We were there," Harry said dully. "We saw it." Aaron started to squirm, so Harry tickled him lightly. Aaron gave a squeal of delight. "How is Hermione doing?"  
"She's still getting the migraines and having bad nightmares," Ron answered quietly. "When I think of what that - "

"Don't even think of finishing that sentence," Ginny said sharply. "There are baby ears present."

"Come on, Ginny," Ron said. "They don't speak the language yet; they don't know what I'm talking about."  
"I don't care," Ginny snapped. "They don't need to hear about it. Not yet. Let them enjoy their childhood, Ron."

"They _are_ enjoying their childhood, Ginny. They also need to know that the world is not a safe place. Especially not for them, being who they are. The grandson of the Minister for Magic? Sons of the Deputy Minister?"  
"Not to mention the sons of the star Keeper for the Chudley Cannons," Harry added, his face perfectly straight.

It was lucky, perhaps, that Andrew chose that moment to decide he was finished. When the plate shattered on the pavement, it drowned out what Ron called Harry, thus saving the innocent ears.

*

"Are you sure you want to Apparate all the way to Hogsmeade? We can fly. Or we can Floo."

"Don't be silly, Harry. I couldn't get my butt off the ground and if I were to spin in a fireplace, I would probably be sick _and_ end up having the baby in the middle of a fireplace. No, I'm still okay to Apparate. Remember, Dean said it was okay to Apparate right up until the thirty ninth week, so I'm still a week away. Besides, I'll just stop a few times along the way."

Harry sighed, wrapping a cloak protectively around Ginny's shoulders.

"It's August, Harry. I hardly need a cloak." Ginny peered at him intently. "Are you alright?"

He opened his mouth to reply just as Fawkes let out a screech, causing them both to jump and stare at the Phoenix. He blinked at them serenely before letting out another screech.

"What on earth?" Harry muttered, moving toward Fawkes. The Phoenix started to walk back and forth on his perch as Harry came closer. "What's the matter, Fawkes?"

Fawkes responded by vanishing in a puff of golden smoke. Harry raised his eyebrows, staring at the spot Fawkes had been.

"What was that about?" Ginny asked, her hand on Harry's elbow. He shrugged.

"I'm not sure." He waited a moment for the Phoenix to return. When he didn't, Harry turned to Ginny. "He knows where he can find us anyway. We should go, I told Remus eleven and it's nearly ten thirty now."

Ginny nodded, slipping her wand inside her pocket. She gave Harry a kiss before Disapparating.

Harry waited a moment, to see if Fawkes would return. He didn't. Harry took a deep, calming breath and Disapparated as well.

When he appeared in the Three Broomsticks, the first thing he noticed was that Ginny was sitting in a chair, apparently trying to catch her breath. The next thing he noticed was that a very drunken Seamus Finnigan was sitting at the bar.

"Sorry, Harry," Ginny breathed, her chin resting in her hands. "I took it too fast."

"It's alright," he answered. "I'm going to go say hi to Seamus while you catch your breath."

Ginny nodded. Harry moved swiftly over to the bar.

"Morning Seamus."  
Seamus lifted his head, turning a bleary eye to Harry. It took him a moment to focus.

"Harry!" he cried finally, his eyes clearing briefly as recognition flashed in them. "Harry Potter! What are you doing here?"  
"I had to speak to the Headmaster. What are _you_ doing here?"  
Seamus stopped smiling and his head drooped sadly.

"We lost her, Harry. Lavender went in last week to see her. She seemed to be doing much better, seemed to be happy. She was talking about coming home before the end of the year, but when they went in to perform the Healing Charms this morning they found her. She…did it herself."  
Harry groaned and brought his hand up to rub his forehead. It still seemed strange, not feeling the scar every time he did it.

"She just never forgave herself, Harry. She couldn't deal with Padma's death. She felt that it should have been her, rather than Padma. She thought that if she were a true Gryffindor, she would have been able to step in front of that Killing Curse."

Harry sighed as he sat next to Seamus. He nodded a greeting to Madam Rosmerta then rubbed his eyes tiredly.

"Listen, Harry," Seamus said swiftly. "Lavender wants to have a memorial for her. She wants to do it on September first on the Hogwarts grounds. She wants to do it under that beech tree that she and Parvati loved. Will you and Ginny come?"

Harry grimaced. "We'll try our best, Seamus, but Ginny is due in two weeks, so she could really have the baby at any time. But if she's not having the baby, then I will be under the beech tree for September first. I'll be at Hogwarts anyway."

Seamus grinned, nearly tipping himself off the stool as he turned to look fully at Harry. Harry reached out to help steady him.

"Not playing for England this fall?"

Harry shook his head. "No. I think I'm going to retire. Remus…Professor Lupin…has offered me the position of Defence Against the Dark Arts. I think I would like to do that."

Seamus' eyes widened. He nodded.

"You'll do well at that. You were always the best at it in school. Plus you brought down You-Know-Who. That alone should qualify you for the position. But don't forget," he added, breaking into another grin, "the position is jinxed."  
"It hasn't been jinxed since Umbridge left," Ginny said, appearing at Harry's shoulder. "Remus has been the Defence professor since then. But since he became Headmaster, he's finding it hard to teach as well as run the school. Add to that the days before, during and after the full moon, and it's just too much. He decided to give up the teaching. He said he would still cover for Harry if Harry wanted to continue to play Quidditch, but Harry wants to stay at Hogwarts."

"You look wonderful, Ginny," Seamus said quietly, standing to give Ginny a warm hug. Ginny couldn't help but wrinkle her nose in Harry's direction. Harry smiled sadly.

"Thank you, Seamus," Ginny answered as Seamus settled himself back on his stool. She turned to Harry. "We have to go, Harry. You told Remus eleven."  
Harry nodded. He turned back to Seamus and held his hand out. "Say hello to Lavender for me, please. Tell her that I'm very sorry. I know she'll take it hard. I will try to see you on September first."  
Seamus nodded, grasping Harry's hand. "I hope so, Harry. And congratulations on both the baby and the position. You truly do deserve it."

He turned back to Madam Rosmerta and ordered another butterbeer. Harry frowned before following Ginny out of the pub.

"Why was Seamus Finnigan so drunk at quarter till eleven in the morning?" Ginny demanded.

Harry sighed, rubbing his forehead again. "Parvati Patil died."

Ginny stopped, her eyes widening. "Oh my god, no. How?"

Harry smiled without humour. "She did it herself. She's been in St. Mungo's since Padma's death. I guess they found her this morning."  
Ginny sighed, tears slipping down her cheeks. Harry turned and pulled her into his arms. She sniffled slightly against his chest.

"I thought she was doing so much better," she said sadly. "I thought she was going to make it."

"We all did. When I spoke to Hermione a couple weeks ago, she said she couldn't believe how much better Parvati looked. She said she'd gained some weight back, put some colour back to her cheeks, some sparkle back in her eyes…it's hard to believe." He started up the road toward Hogwarts. "Lavender wants to have a memorial for her on the first. Seamus asked us to come."

"Of course," Ginny cried. "Of course we'll be there."

"But the baby-"

"The baby won't come on the first, Harry."

Harry's eyebrows furrowed as he looked down at his wife. Sometimes he could almost swear that she had Seeing tendencies.

They were approaching the winged boars now and Harry felt his body start to shiver. He hadn't been back…not since that day.

He could feel his palms start to sweat as they walked on to Hogwarts grounds. He should have realised…

"Where are you going?" Ginny asked, turning to him. He'd started to back away.

"I can't do it, Gin. I can't go in there." He shook his head, trying to clear the images that were flying across his vision. Dumbledore. Padma. Snape. Luna. Draco. 

Most horrifyingly of all, Draco. 

Harry turned and stumbled back up through the gates, leaving Ginny staring after him.

__________________________________________________________________

Hi everyone. Sorry to disappoint those who thought I was updating Saviour. This story just sort of popped into my head and I had to write it down while I still had it. It has nothing to do with the other stories, really (Harry being captain and Remus being the DADA Prof are about it). I hope you enjoy it. 


End file.
